Gooooooood Morning Dudes & Dudettes ! Hoping that all you lovely Bollockeers have survived Christmas without too much over indulgence.
Thanks to George & Phil for keeping the shop open over the holidays - What a pair of STARS !!!
All going well in this neck of the woods. Happy to report that a GREAT Christmas was had by us all AND THE BEST THING ?? All that 'orrible white stuff now gone !!!!
Have a great Monday people...time to get it all in gear again for the HOGMANAY CELEBRATIONS !!
Later Dudes
XX
Morning all..Hope you all had a great xmas.......Elise i added a 'copy & paste jokey as love those that Phil does....Might have posted it on the other forum sometime ago but hey ho...!!
ReplyDeleteHe said....She said....
He said . I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.
She said . You wear pants don't you?
He said . .... Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said . That's a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart!
He said . . What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
She said . ...Turn sideways and look in the mirror!
He said . ... Why don't women blink during foreplay?
She said . They don't have time
He said . How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
She said . We don't know; it has never happened.
He said . Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and Good- looking?
She said . They already have boyfriends.
She said...What do you call a women who knows where her husband is every night?
He said . A widow.
He said . . Why are married women heavier than single women?
She said . Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.
Paddy and Mick were both laid off, so they went to the unemployment office.
ReplyDeleteWhen asked his occupation, Paddy answered,
'Knicker Stitcher...I sew da elastic onto ladies' knickers and thongs..'
The clerk looked up Knicker Stitcher on his computer, and finding it
Classified as unskilled labour, he gave him EURO 80 a week unemployment pay.
Mick was next in and when asked his occupation replied, 'Diesel Fitter.'
Since a diesel fitter was a skilled job, the clerk gave Mick EURO 160 a week.
When Paddy found out he was furious and stormed back into the office to find Out why his co-worker was collecting double his pay.
The clerk explained, 'Knicker Stitcher's' are unskilled labour and Diesel Fitters are skilled labour.'
'What skill?' yelled Paddy. 'I sew da elastic on da knickers and thongs,
Then Mick puts 'em over his head and says, 'Yep, diesel fitter...
One that I posted a while back too - ! xx
THE HUMAN BODY
ReplyDeleteIt takes your food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach
One human hair can support 3kg (6.6 lb)
The average man's private area is three times the length of his thumb
Human thighbones are stronger than concrete
A woman's heart beats faster than a man's....
There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet
Women blink twice as often as men
The average person's skin weighs twice as much as the brain
Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still
If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it
Women reading this will be finished now.
Men are still busy checking their thumbs...
This is also a little cracker !! xx
We've all survived (I think), Elise, but all we Bollockeers want an invite to your Hogmanay party this year (just to protect you from yourself of course), Remember last year? Nope, you won't!! lol
ReplyDeleteWhat time does it start?
GREAT JOKES...LMAO.. I can't keep up with all these quickfire posts. Three have come in since I started typing, Duh!
You sure you awake George...??? Maybe 'punch-drunk' from all the Grand-kids, they can do that you know !! My HOGMANAY will be celebrated in the traditional way Dudes...all welcome !
ReplyDeleteXX
I OWE MY MOTHER
ReplyDelete1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE .
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."
2. My mother taught me RELIGION .
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."
3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL .
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"
4. My mother taught me LOGIC .
" Because I said so, that's why."
5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC .
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the shop with me."
6.. My mother taught me FORESIGHT .
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."
7. My mother taught me IRONY ..
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."
8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS .
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."
9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM .
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"
10. My mother taught me about STAMINA .
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."
11. My mother taught me about WEATHER .
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."
12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY .
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"
13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE .
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."
14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOUR MODIFICATION .
"Stop acting like your father!"
15. My mother taught me about ENVY .
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."
16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION .
"Just wait until we get home."
17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING .
"You are going to get it when you get home!"
18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE .
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way."
19. My mother taught me ESP .
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"
20.. My mother taught me HUMOUR.
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."
21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT .
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."
22. My mother taught me GENETICS .
"You're just like your father."
23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS .
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"
24. My mother taught me WISDOM .
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."
And my favorite:
25. My mother taught me about JUSTICE .
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you...
A nice one that is 100 % true !!
xx
BTW......WHERE IS BIG GUY !!!!!????? How come George is posting before him ????!!!! Answers please !!?? xx
ReplyDeleteElise,if he had a lot of ultra strong Bacardi.....he may well be still out cold.....remember the knicker stitchers one...brill
ReplyDeleteThe Vicars Chickens....
The priest in a small Irish village loved his chickens that he kept in the coop behind the church. One Sunday morning before mass, he went to feed the birds and discovered that the cock was missing. He knew about the cock fights in the village, so he decided to question his parishioners in church. During mass, he asked his congregation,
"Has anybody got a cock?"
All the men stood up.
"No, no, that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock?"
All the women stood up.
"No, no, that wasn't what I meant either. Has anybody seen a cock that doesn't belong to them?"
Half the women stood up!
"No, no, no, that wasn't what I meant. What I really really mean is, has anybody seen MY cock?"
Sixteen altar boys, two priests and a goat stood up....
The Vicars Chickens....
John - Very good ! kinda like that over here in real life at the moment....... !! xx
ReplyDeleteOkay people, country wide alert is called off, Big Guy is alive, as I see he has been lurking.....MORNING BIG GUY......HOW IS THE HEAD ????!!!!! XXXXXXXX
ReplyDeleteMorning(Just) all,,thanks Elise for opening the shop! xxx,,
ReplyDeleteLate night ,,,well 330am when I finally kicked out the "Lunch guests!!!....and late start,,after being attacked by a bottle of Bacardi 151 then onto the Balvenie to finish the job!LOL,,,,rematch tonite no doubt!
Happy Monday,,,
Cheers
Hey there Big Guy ! Glad you are alive and kicking....me and John posted a few jokes for ya !! I was on the Glenmorangie Cellar 13 last night....very drinkable.....and disposed of the bottle in an honourable fashion !
ReplyDeleteRain here hooray !!
You need to learn to drink without getting hungover dude ! I don't get 'em...One of those people you hate huh !!
Later
xx
LOL Elise xx Nope don't get hangovers,,,I just sleep late!,,,,years of practise at sea paid off,,
ReplyDeleteTrying to think of something inventive to do with my turkey today(Shaddup George!!LOL),,
Have a good un'
can't beat a cold turkey sarnie with oozing amounts of cranberry dude ! Boring I know, but my favorite !! xx
ReplyDeleteYep that's lunch sorted,, turkey sarnies with cranberry jelly and lotsa black pepper :),,but I got a BIG bird(No not Hilary)LOL.....maybe casserole it? later
ReplyDeletexx
Phil did have a BIG bird...and I have to show you the pic he sent me to prove it!
ReplyDeleteGirls? Please don't take offence, but the butchers on Teesside made a fortune this Christmas, labelling these as Dumb Blonde Turkeys!
Keep yer ead down George!!! LMAO
ReplyDeleteCoo-eeee George....need a word there........
ReplyDeleteGEORGE !!!! Stop lurking ! x
ReplyDeleteWay past George's bedtime Elise,,he's probably tucked up with his horlicks and a turkey sarnie as we speak! LOL
ReplyDeleteBalvenie and pork pie for me,,,xx
Hiya Big Guy. When I made the last post he WAS LURKING !!!!!! I saw it on the 'Viewing History' Dude ! He is hiding from me now ! PMSL ! Do I scare him that much !? I honestly am a lovely, kind, gentle person ! Honest !!
ReplyDeleteMmmmm Pork Pie...drooling here...can't get them in this part of the World. Joined you in a Balvenie earlier though, and about to refill....SLAINTE !! xx
Elise George is more noted for his "Lurkers"than lurking!
ReplyDeleteI told hin to keep his head down after his last post,,looks like he listened for once!LOL
Cheers! xx
Ha Ha ! Nite Dude...me and Balvenie need to go lie down now !!!! xx
ReplyDeleteNite Sweetie!! xx
ReplyDelete