....HOPE ALL GOES WELL TODAY RE-ONCO MEETING GEORGE..!!
THE DOGS BOLLOCKS........
ONE OF THOSE NOTHING DAYS.....NO SUN,NO RAIN,& NO WIND....HERE'S HOPING ITS A GENTLE DAY FOR ALL
LMAO TO THIS JOKE,& THOUGHT OF PHIL,& HIS JOKES,WHICH I MISS.........HOPE YOU LOOKING DOWN & LIKEY MATEY....
CHEERS ALL.....
THE WINO
A tramp finds a five pound note in the street. He decides to go to the off-licence and buy a bottle of white wine. After duly knocking back the plonk the tramp falls into a drunken Stupor and collapses in a small alleyway.
About ten minutes later a passing homosexual happens upon the sprawled out body of the tramp. Not having greased the pole for a while the shirt-lifter whips down the tramps keks and gives him one up the old Gary Glitter. As the rear-gunner is just about to leave he gets a pang of conscience and tucks a five pound note into the tramp’s hand.
Upon waking up the next day the tramp discovers the fiver. Hardly believing his good fortune he rushes back to the off-licence and purchases another bottle of white wine. Yet again he downs the vino and falls into a drunken sleep in his favourite alleyway. A little later the same chutney ferret passes the alleyway and sees the tramp. Unable to contain himself, the uphill gardener divests the tramp of his jockeys and gives him another hoop stretcher. Again he leaves five pounds out of guilt for his actions.
Upon waking up the tramp discovers another fiver in his hand and so hastens back to the off-licence. He grabs a bottle of red wine and hands it to the sales assistant for wrapping. The sales assistant, by now familiar with the tramp’s usual habits, asks why he is buying red wine this time to which the tramp responds, “I quite like the white wine but it doesn’t half make my frigging arse sore.”
Morning everyone.
ReplyDeleteGood joke John, I'm keeping off White Wine (for now)!!
Hope your head cold gets better.
Good luck with the oncologist George.
This one made me smile (but needs to be watched a couple of times).
WeedingPhoto.wmv(2.62 MB)
Have a great day everyone.
Morning everyone,
ReplyDeleteLiked the joke John, but I'm keeping off white wine for now (just to be on the safe side)!!
Hope your head cold gets better and I hope good results for George and his oncologist.
Just got my car back from the service garage after a week there.
After I took it in for 2nd year service (£150.00) I went to pick it up I noticed some damage.
Garage kept it for damage repairs during which time I had a courtesy car and I understand the repair cost them over £1800.00, unbelievable.
But the car is back now and it looks GREAT.
I was in such a good mood last night that as Kath and I walked past a swanky new restaurant she said,
"Did you smell that food? "Incredible!"
Being the nice guy I am, I thought: "What the heck, I'll treat her!"
So we walked past it again.
Have a great day everyone
Great jokes John. My day sounds like yours, no sun , no wind...just calm and dull. Even the South Shields seagulls have come inland searching for some Jarrow sunshine (and raiding our bird table).
ReplyDeleteMike, I'm pleased you got your car back safely. Geeeez, you can never trust these main dealerships, can you?
One more thing, your'e storing up a lot of trouble with Kath. You don't think she's gonna forget a stunt like the restaurant 'walk-by' do ya?
SHE WILL GET YA FOR THAT, lol
Yes, I have a 'biggie' onco appointment today. I'll decide for definite which route to take now, and I'll stir the chit with Ian my onco about his team, Middlesborough FC.
Well, he was merciless with me in the days Sunderland when were relagated from the premiership with the lowest ever points recorded.
Revenge is sweet! lol
Just luv these contradicting lyrics........
ReplyDeleteEverybody's talking and no one says a word
Everybody's making love and no one really cares
There's Nazis in the bathroom just below the stairs
Always something happening and nothing going on
There's always something cooking and nothing in the pot
They're starving back in China so finish what you got
Everybody's runnin' and no one makes a move
Everyone's a winner and nothing left to lose
There's a little yellow idol to the north of Katmandu
Everybody's flying and no one leaves the ground
Everybody's crying and no one makes a sound
There's a place for us in the movies you just gotta lay around
Everybody's smoking and no one's getting high
Everybody's flying and never touch the sky
There's a UFO over New York and I ain't too surprised
Guess the record & artist........
answer is....
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_8GVafKcGCQ
John,
ReplyDeleteLove the contradicting lyrics from the late GREAT John Lennon.
On a similar line, I like these too:-
PARAPROSDOKIANS: (Winston Churchill loved them.)
Here is the definition: "Figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected; frequently used in a humorous situation."
1. Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list.
3. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.
5. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
6. War does not determine who is right - only who is left..
7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
8. Evening news is where they begin with 'Good Evening,' and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
9. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
10. A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.
11. I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted paychecks.
12. Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says, 'In case of emergency, notify:' I put 'DOCTOR.'
13. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
14. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
15. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
16. A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory.
17. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
18. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
19. There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.
20. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.
21. You're never too old to learn something stupid.
22. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
23. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
24. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
25. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
26. Where there's a will, there's relatives.