Christmas Jokes

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the Pearly gates.

"In honour of this holy season" Saint Peter said,  "You must each possess something that symbolises Christmas to get into heaven."

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "It represents a candle", he said.

"You may pass through the Pearly gates" Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells."

Saint Peter said "You may pass through the pearly gates".

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and  finally pulled out a pair of women's knickers.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolise?"

The man replied, "These are Carols."

Monday Pussy.

Good Morning/Evening Monday Peeps,

woken at 4am by two moggies either fighting or having noisy sex nearby!!only lasted a few minutes so maybe it was sex!

Nasty morning again with hail and rain but Hey I won a tenner on the lottery on Saturday,and I am determined it won't change my life!!

Hope George and Lynn have recharged their batteries after such a busy weekend,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,3 more to go and we will have enough for a bollocks football team!.............................................

Hope you are all set for a good week once we've kicked Monday out of the way!!!

Cheers

A Sunday School teacher of pre-schoolers was concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus Christ because of the Christmas season emphasis on His birth. He wanted to make sure they understood that the birth of Jesus occurred a long time ago, that He grew up, etc.

So he asked his class, "Where is Jesus today?"
Steven raised his hand and said, "He's in heaven.

"
Mary was called on and answered, "He's in my heart.

"
Little Johnny, waving his hand furiously, blurted out, "I know! I know! He's in our bathroom!"
The whole class got very quiet, looked at the teacher, and waited for a response. The teacher was completely at a loss for a few very long seconds. He finally gathered his wits and asked Little Johnny how he knew this.


Little Johnny said, "Well...every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door, and yells 'Jesus Christ, are you still in there?'"

 

 

SUNDAY: Another baby in stormy weather

G'Day Folks

I just HAVE to use Phil's pink fonts today.
Grandchild 8 arrived at 1.20am this morning, the last Sunday of November...into exactly the same type of wild, very wet and very stormy weather that greeted  number 7 on the first Sunday of the month!

I hope these two aren't going to be
 'Wild Wild Wimmin'

Hail Sunday!

Good Morning/Evening Sunday Peeps,,,Gales, wind, rain, and now hail to greet me this morning up ere'in the frozen North.

George is strangely quiet this morning,,has da baby arrived yet??and will it look anything like him?...........

Enjoy your day Folks

Cheers

WIDOWED FOR FOUR YEARS.

Karen lost her husband almost four years ago and still hasn't got out of her mourning stage.     Her daughter is constantly calling her and urging her to get back into the world.   Finally, Karen says she'd go out, but didn't know anyone.
Her daughter immediately replies: "Mom!  I have someone for you to meet."
Well, it was an immediate hit.   They took to one another and after dating for six weeks, he asks her to join him for a weekend in the Lake District .
Their first night there, she undresses as he does.          There she stood, nude except for a pair of black lacy panties: he in his birthday suit.

Looking at her he asks: "Why the black panties?"
She replies: "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there. . . . I am still in mourning."
He knows he's not getting lucky that night.   The following night saw the same scenario.   She's standing there with the black panties on, and he is in his birthday suit, except that he is wearing a black condom.
She looks at him and asks: "What's with the black condom?"
He replies: "I want to offer my deepest condolences"

 

Saturday late.

Good Morning Peeps,(Just)Late post for me as I was on taxi duties first thing taking my son in law to Newky airport.

Nice to see George has his big box back and is inserting furiously as we speak!

Rest of the day is mine to play as I wish with Hilary off shopping with Sherri,Bliss!! LOL

Whatever you're up to have fun,

Cheers

A SCOUSER AND THE GAY MAN.....................

It was coming to the end of the day and sat in his tiny near deserted local pub in iverpool was a scouser.

He was having a few beers as usual when a short well dressed and obviously gay man walked in and sat beside him.

After three or four beers, the gay man leaned over towards the scouser and whispered, "Do you want a blow job?"

The Scouser leaped up with fire in his eyes knocked the gay man off his stool and smacked the shit out of him.

He dragged him out of the bar and left him bruised and battered in the car park and returned to his seat at the bar.

Not entirely amazed at what just happened the barman quickly brought over another beer to the scouser and said, "I've never seen you react as badly as that before............What did he say to you?"

"I don't know," the scouser replied.. "Something about a job."

 

Saturday, Older, Greyer, Baldier

G'd Mooooning Folks

Multiply seems to be working again on my 'puter (even though no reply to my complaint!).

Just an update from me....Callum was discharged from hospital on Monday and is doing really well, apart from the docs trying to get the doseage of warfarin right, so he's been tested a couple of times already this week.

The second November baby doesn't want to come out into this cold weather. Two false alarms in the last 2 days, so I reckon the next phone call will be to say 'NUMBER 8 HAS LANDED'

Looking forward to the Birmingham 'do' on Dec 17th...and I've had so many offers to stay down there a while..I can tell ya....I am SORELY tempted!LOL

Just thought I'd update my profile pic. It's been a while, hasn't it?


Have a Grrrrrrrrreat weekend!

Friday Sun? You need shades in N Yorks???

So Phil says it's sunny in his part of the world?
Well I sure hope he's not in the garden again...posing for yet another shot like this one of him last year!

HEYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY...
I HAVE A BIG BOX AGAIN & I CAN INSERT TODAY!!!

Friday Sun!

Good Morning/Evening Friday Peeps,....Coo a strange yellow orb is visible in the sky in North Yorkshire this morning

Love George's "Organ"video,,,,really nice to see so many Bollockeers turned out for the shoot!

Hope his "Small box"syndrome is soon sorted,,I myself have always enjoyed the fruits of a "Large box"and can insert to my hearts content!

Enjoy your Friday and have a Great weekend,

Cheers

Sex in the Shower................

In a recent survey requested by president Obama, African Americans have proved to be the most likely to have had sex in the shower!

In the survey, carried out for him, by a leading toiletries firm, a huge majority, 86% of African Americans, said that they have enjoyed sex in the shower.

The other 14% said they hadn't been to prison yet.

Geordie Organ Fanfares (Make of that what you will!)

OK, so I have dificulty posting in such a small box....but there was no problem inserting my ORGAN (music)..
Take a peep at the new video. (Hope it works!) : )~

Stitchless!!

Good Morning/evening Thursday Peeps,Just back from Hossy after having my stitches out,,,Ouch!!,,,,,,,,,,,,Nice to see George in such a happy mood and getting in the swing for Thanksgiving day,(Yeah right!)LOL................Had to post my pic of a well stuffed pussy!

Off to Northallerton Friarage hospital for a change in an hour for an Xray of ribs bust a while ago  when I fell off the bed backwards(Long story!)now giving me probs...

George you seem to be the only one in your family having probs Multiplying!!!!!LMAO

Enjoy your Thursday Folks,

Cheers

Stevie & Tiger

STEVIE Wonder and Tiger Woods are in a bar. Tiger turns to Stevie and says, 'How's the singing career going?' Stevie replies, 'Not too bad. How's the golf?' Woods replies, 'Not too bad, I've had some problems with my swing, but I think I've got that right, now.' Stevie says, 'I always find that when my swing goes wrong, I need to stop playing for a while and not think about it. Then, the next time I play, it seems to be all right.' Tiger says, 'You play GOLF?' Stevie says, 'Yes, I've been playing for years'. Tiger says, 'But -- you're blind! How can you play golf if you can't see?' Stevie Wonder replies, 'Well, I get my caddy to stand in the middle of the fairway and call to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball towards him. Then, when I get to where the ball lands, the caddy moves to the green or farther down the fairway and again I play the ball towards his voice.' 'But, how do you putt?' asks Tiger 'Well', says Stevie, 'I get my caddy to lean down in front of the hole and call to me with his head on the ground and I just play the ball towards his voice.' Tiger asks, 'What's your handicap?' Stevie says, 'Well, actually -- I'm a scratch golfer.' Woods, incredulous, says to Stevie, 'we’ve got to play a round sometime.' Stevie replies, 'Well, people don't take me seriously, so I only play for money, and never play for less than $10,000 a hole. That a problem?' Woods thinks about it and says, ' I can afford that, OK, I'm game for that. $10,000 a hole is fine with me. When would you like to play?' Stevie Wonder says, 'Pick a night'

 

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