Loadsa Sun!

Good Morning/Evening Bollockeers,Blue sky and sunshine here on Cosat Del Teesside,,,,,sorry to hear about your disappointing 1" overnight Mike but it was damn cold!!!

Hilary cleaned up as usual at poker last night and all me and Steven ended up with were sore heads this morning

Tootling over to the coast for a pub lunch and get nostalgie watching the ships swinging at anchor waiting to enter the Tees.

Have a great Sunday

Cheers

A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room,

waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam.

The doctor arrived, and examined the baby,

checked his weight, and being a little concerned,

asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.

'Breast-fed,' she replied.

'Well, strip down to your waist,' the doctor ordered.

She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and

rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional

and detailed examination.

Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said,

'No wonder this baby is underweight.

You don't have any milk.'

I know,' she said,

'I'm his Grandma,

but I'm glad I came.'

 

Sunday Snow

Less than 1" here last night, Kath and I very disappointed.

Decided not to re-book our Caribbean holiday yet!

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Here is a TRUE story.

The name of the hero HAS NOT been changed to protect the innocent.

However, any similarity to persons alive, dead or posting on this site is purely coincidental (Maybe!).

George was washed up on a beach after a terrible shipwreck.
Only a sheep and a sheepdog were washed up with him.

Looking around, he realised that they were stranded on a deserted
island. After being there a while, he got into the habit of
taking his two animal companions to the beach every evening to watch the
sun set.

One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus
clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance.

As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the
lonely George. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and... put his arm
around it.

But the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep,growled fiercely until 
George took his arm from around the sheep..

After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together
but there was no more cuddling.

A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another
shipwreck. The only survivor was a beautiful young woman, the
most beautiful woman George had ever seen.. She was in a pretty bad way
when George rescued her and he slowly nursed her back to health.

When the young maiden was well enough, George introduced her to their
evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening... red sky, cirrus
clouds, a warm and gentle breeze - perfect for a night of romance.

Pretty soon, George started to get 'those feelings' again.

He fought the urges as long as he could but he finally gave in and,
realising he now had the opportunity, leaned over to the young woman
cautiously and whispered in her ear,

 

 

'Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?'

 

 

Saturday Snow.

Good Morning/Evening Saturday Peeps,,,another dollop of snow overnight here,,about four inches(Halfway there Mike!!)

Just off to deliver her Ladyship to work,then the day is mine!

Poker night tomight and we are determined to nobble Hilary as she wins EVERY time,,tried making her drinks twice as strong last time and she played even better!,,(Any suggestions gratefully received)

Enjoy your Saturday and a have a Great weekend

Cheers

Two businessmen in  Florida  were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store..

As yet, the store wasn't ready, with only a few shelves set up.

One said to the other, "I bet any minute now some senior is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling."

No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious senior walked to the window, had a peek, and in a soft voice asked, "What are you selling' here?"

One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling ass-holes."

Without skipping a beat, the old timer said, "Must be doing well... Only two left."

Seniors -- don't mess with them!

Fridaaaaaay Sun?

Good Morning/Evening Friday Peeps,Blue sky and sunshine to start the day here in Northern Climes,,with a lotta wind!!(Morning George)

Coo, in 5mins it's gone dark and we now have snowflakes falling!!LOL,,,could be a good weekend for Mike and his shovels after all!!

Just found out I won a tenner on Wednesday's lotto!,,,I have opted for NO publicity and am determined it won't change my lifestyle!!

Enjoy your Friday Fffffolks and have a GREAT weekend,

Cheers

Hurt in Helmund......

A UK patrol was marching in the North of Helmand Province when they came upon an insurgent, badly injured and unconscious.On the opposite side of the road was a British soldier in a similar but less serious state.

The soldier was conscious and alert and as first aid was given to both men, the patrol commander asked the injured soldier what had happened.The soldier reported, "I was moving north along the highway here, and coming south was a heavily armed insurgent. We saw each other and both took cover in the ditches along the road.

I yelled to him that Saddam Hussein was a miserable, lowlife scum bag who got what he deserved, and he yelled back that Gordon Brown is a fat, good-for-nothing, left wing half-blind Jock, and Lord Mandelson is a cross-dressing idiot.

So I said that Osama Bin Laden dresses and acts like a frigid, mean-spirited lesbian. He retaliated by yelling, "Oh yeah? Well, so does Harriet Harman!" "And, there we were, in the middle of the road, shaking hands, when a bus hit us."

 

 

 

 

 

Kath's Diary

 

Kath's been a little delicate the last week! Concerned, I  'accidentally' read her diary:- ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Diary,
For my birthday this year, my daughter (the dear Helen) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me.
Although I am still in great shape since being a  school netball champ 40 years ago(!) I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.
I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear.
My daughter seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.
________________________________
MONDAY:
Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for me. She is something of a Greek goddess
Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the machines. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring!
Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit- ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!
________________________________
TUESDAY:
I drank a whole pot of coffee, kissed Mike, and finally made it out the door. Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT! It's a whole new life for me.
_______________________________
WEDNESDAY:
The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals.. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a Mini in the club car park.
Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for that early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying.
My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by lifts? Belinda told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. She said some other shit too.
______________________________
THURSDAY:
Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late - it took me that long to tie my shoes.
Belinda took me to work out with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and hid in the toilet. She sent another skinny bitch to find me.
Then, as punishment, she put me on the rowing machine -- which I sank.
_______________________________
FRIDAY:
I hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic, anorexic little bastard. If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it.
Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the damn barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.
The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?
________________________________
SATURDAY:
Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her voice made me want to smash the machine with my planner; however, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.
________________________________
SUNDAY:
I am going to Church today so I can thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my daughter Helen (the little shit) will choose a gift for me that is fun -- like a root canal or a hysterectomy. I still say if God had wanted me to bend over , he would have sprinkled the floor with diamonds!!! 

Thursday Hiya!

Up and out at sparra fart this morning to get my hand op checked out at Trauma outpatients,,,why do they get you there at some unearthly hour and then you have to wait two hours for the doc to turn up?,,,good report and told to "Keep up my hand and finger exercises",,,

Good luck with the ciggie quitting George,,I think it's the only vice I have never had!,,,,,Love the pic of you in bygone days,, and you do look reeeeal good ,and that sure is a beautiful handstand you are performing on that bloke!!!

Enjoy your Thursday Folks

Cheers

Different threat levels around the world,,,,,

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to a "Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588 when threatened by the Spanish Armada. The Scots raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards" They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years. The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France 's flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability. It's not only the French who are on a heightened level of alert. Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout loudly and excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides." The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbor" and "Lose". Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels. The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy. Americans meanwhile and as usual are carrying out pre-emptive strikes, on all of their allies, just in case. And in the southern hemisphere... New Zealand has also raised its security levels - from "baaa" to "BAAAA!". Due to continuing defense cutbacks (the air force being a squadron of spotty teenagers flying paper aeroplanes and the navy some toy boats in the Prime Minister's bath), New Zealand only has one more level of escalation, which is "I hope Australia will come and rescue us". Australia , meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be right, mate". Three more escalation levels remain: "Crikey!', "I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend" and "The barbie is cancelled". So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.

Thursday Smokin'

Good Moaning Gooood Peeps,

I've been wondering....I know I HAVE to quit smoking a.s.a.p. but if I did....

Would I get myself as fit as this again????

Seems like a good incentive ~  IF it is possible.

Has anyone got some personal good reports of the benefits of quitting the ciggies?

Wet HUMP day..

Good Morning/Evening Wednesday Peeps,,,soggy start to the day here(Shaddup George!)with plenty of wet stuff fallimg.

More subverssive mind games re decorating from Hilary,,,, although she hasn't openly mentioned ANYTHING,,,,I found her washing my paint brushes last night!!!!!,,I fear there is worse to come

Happy Hump day Folks

Cheers

Bad nuns

One day there were four nuns in line for confessional. The first nun said, "Forgive me, father, for I have sinned." He asked how. She said "I saw a man's private parts." He told her to wash her eyes with holy water. The second nun comes in and says, "Forgive me, father, for I have sinned." He asked how. "I touched a man's private parts." He told her to wash her hands in holy water. Then he heard the third and fourth nun fighting. He asked why they were fighting. The fourth nun said, "I'm not going to wash my mouth in the holy water if she's going to sit in it."

Australia Day

 

 

 

 

Australia day today, 26th January 2010

Time to remind everyone of Terry Herbert's fabulous YANA site which can be accessed from here using the link.

 

Tuesday mist again.

Good Morning/Evening Tuesday Bollockeers,,,very misty start to the day here in Smoggie land(Ex!!)

Dangerous signs in the Thommo household as Hilary picked up some colour charts yesterday!!!.......So far I have managed to ignore them but they seem to be popping up in all my usual haunts!!

Colder weather forecast end of the week so hang on to yer thermals!!

Have a good day.

Cheers

That man again........
Since his little affairs have come to light, several of Tiger Woods' sponsors have dropped him. However, Pfizer has decided to sponsor him. They are making a new drug called Tiagra. It's good for 18 holes