Hi, Sorry i haven't posted in absolute ages but dad has not been well at all. He sadly lost his long fight on 27th May 2009. This year he had been in hospital 3 times with various problems but the last time was when he was admitted on 21st April with a lot of confusion. His bone scan had showed the cancer had spread into his spine, pelvis, shoulder and ribs although it was so hard to believe as he still had very little pain. His CT scan though showed that he was now also suffering from Vascular Dementia, which was the cause of his confusion etc. We managed to get him transferred after him being in hospital for 4 weeks to a fantastic Hospice where he stayed for 9 days until he lost his fight. I had promised him a long time ago that i would be with him to the very end and i did just that. I don't want to think of the pain he may have been in as i know that is the one thing he dreaded most apart from leaving us all. I don't know what to say, it has been 10 days since he left us but i still don't grieve. I want to but it just won't come. I talked to him and told him it was ok to go to sleep and that we would all be ok. I went to see him yesterday (friday) and to put various items in with him ready for his funeral on Monday (8th). I talked to him as if he was still there, am i wrong for doing that? Is it normal for me to be doing this? I can't cry and let everything out because i need to be strong, I have to be. Don't i? My dad could not talk, amongst other things for a few days before he died although his eyes did say a lot when he sometimes came back to us due to the pain meds he was on. I don't know what else to say, I'm still numb, i think. Sorry for not keeping in touch.
Love Lisa xx
Aww Lisa,what terribly sad news,my heart goes out to you and your family..My own Father died 30 years ago to the day yesterday and all you say in your post was the same with me and is soo normal.
ReplyDeleteAlthough you would have been prepared mentally it still comes as such a shock and I'm sure part of your brain closes down as there are things that have to be done.
Your grieving process has started and as George wrote so well in hist post there will be a point when the flodgates open probably when you least expect it.
It was two weeks after my Dad's funeral for me and it was a chance rematk from Hilary about me and my Dad not getting on before I went to sea.....I cried like a baby and Hilary hugging me only made it worse.
We all grieve in our own way there are no rules but is so evident in your post how much you loved your Dad and you will have been such a great comfort to him in his final days.
Our sincerest condolences Lisa to you and your family,,
Sending you a big hug and lots of love,
Phil and Hilary xxx