ERR.. YES PLEASE.!!...........
TWO QUICKIES......
An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is. “I’m 90 years old,” he says. “90!” replies the woman. “Don’t you realize you’ve had it?” “Oh, sorry…” says the old man, “How much do I owe you?”....
A New book......
A man goes into a Waterstones bookshop and asks the young female clerk,"Do you have the new book out for men with short penises?.....but, I can't remember the title.
" She replies, "I'm not sure if it's in yet."
The man said, "That's the one. I'll take a copy.".
.....
Nymphomaniac Convention
A man boarded an aircraft at London 's Heathrow Airport for New York , and taking his seat as he settled in, he noticed a very beautiful woman boarding the plane.
He realised she was heading straight toward his seat and bingo - she took the seat right beside him.
"Hello", he blurted out, "Business trip or vacation?"
She turned, smiled enchantingly and said, "Business. I'm going to the annual Nymphomaniac convention in the United States ."
He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs!
Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?"
"Lecturer," she responded,” I use my experience to disprove some of the popular myths about sexuality.."
"Really", he smiled, "what myths are those?"
"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.
Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Greek descent.
We have also found that the best potential lovers in all categories are the Irish."
Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said. "I really shouldn't be discussing this with you, I don't even know your name!"
"Tonto," the man said. "Tonto Papadopoulos, but my friends call me Paddy.!!"
LMAO, Brilliant jokes, John (or should we now call you Tonto??) lol
ReplyDeleteHow about this one?
A cabbie picks up a Nun She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring. He replies:
'I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you.'
She answers, 'My son, you cannot offend me. When you've been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.'
'Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.'
She responds, 'Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic.'
The cab driver is very excited and says, 'Yes, I'm single and Catholic!'
'OK' the nun says. 'Pull into the next alley.' The nun fulfils his fantasy, with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.
But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying. 'My dear child,' says the nun, 'why are you crying?'
'Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish.'
The nun says, 'That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a fancy dress party.
Nice one George.....
ReplyDeleteThe Lone Ranger & Tonto......
The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After they got their tent all set up, they fell sound asleep.
Some hours later, Tonto wakes The Lone Ranger and says, "Kemo Sabi, look towards sky, what you see?"
The Lone Ranger replies, "I see millions of stars."
"What that tell you?" asked Tonto.
The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute, then says, "Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What's it tell you, Tonto?
Tonto is silent for a moment, then says, "Kemo Sabi,
you dumb ass...It tells me someone stolen tent.!!"
Oh...this could run and run...or perhaps not, LOL
ReplyDeleteThe Lone Ranger and Tonto were at the bar drinking, when in walks a cowboy who yells, "Who's white horse it that outside?"
The Lone Ranger finishes off his whiskey, slams down the glass, turns around and says, "It's my horse. Why do you want to know?"
The cowboy looks at him and says, "Well, your horse is standing out there in the sun and he don't look too good."
The Lone Ranger and Tonto run outside and they see that Silver is in bad shape, suffering from heat exhaustion. The Loan Ranger moves his horse into the shade and gets a bucket of water. He then pours some of the water over the horse and gives the rest to Silver to drink.It is then he notices that there isn't a breeze so he asks Tonto if he would start running around Silver to get some air flowing and perhaps cool him down.
Being a faithful friend, Tonto starts running around Silver. The Lone Ranger stands there for a bit then realizes there is not much more he can do, so he goes back into the bar and orders another whiskey.
After a bit a cowboy walks in and says, "Who's white horse is that outside?"
Slowly the Lone Ranger turns around and says, "That is my horse, what is wrong with him now?"
"Nothing," replies the cowboy, "I just wanted to let you know that you left your Injun running."
And..........even a pussy joke:
ReplyDeleteThe bad guys have captured the Lone Ranger, have him naked on the ground, and are about to shoot him. "Do you have any last wishes??", one of them asks.
"Bring my horse, Silver, over here.", the Long Ranger replies.
They grant his wish and over comes Silver. The Lone Ranger whispers for a moment into Silver's ear. Then Silver disappears over the horizon like lightning. He returns in just a few seconds with a big, beautiful woman in the saddle. She hops off Silver, strips naked and in short order she and the Long Ranger enjoy themselves to the utmost, much to the delight of the bad guys.
When they've finished, another bad guy says, "That looked like good fun. Do you have any other last wishes??"
"Yes ..bring my horse, Silver, over here one more time.", the Long Ranger replies.
Silver approaches, and the Long Ranger whispers into his ear, "You idiot! I said bring POSSE!"
And.....
ReplyDeleteThe Lone Ranger and Tonto were riding across the plains one day, when Tonto suddenly cocked his ear at a passing falcoln's cry. "Kemosabe... Apache to East!" he whispered.
The Lone Ranger looked to his faithful companion. "What do we do?"
Tonto pondered a moment. "We ride West!"
After riding a short while, Tonto again paused, searching the horizon with his eagle-sharp eyes. "Kemosabe... Apache to West!"
The Masked Man looked once again at his friend. "What should we do?"
Tonto scratched his head in thought. "We ride North!"
After a brief ride, Tonto stopped to scent the breeze. "Kemosabe... Apache to North!"
"What do we do now?" his companion asked.
Without hesitation, Tonto replied, "We ride South!"
Within minutes, Tonto reigned in his horse and dropped to the ground. Placing his ear to the earth, he listened intently. "Kemosabe... Apache to South!"
Worried, the Lone One asked him, "NOW what do we do?"
Tonto thought hard for a moment, his eyes squinting in concentration. Then his face lit up. "What do you mean "WE", White Man?"