Tuesday morning and all is dull - it's like Lancashire!

But even if it's dull where you are, these may brighten your day

I was devastated to find out my wife was having an affair, but by turning to religion I was soon able to come to terms with the whole thing. I converted to Islam, and we're stoning the slag in the morning

Last night I reached for my liquid viagra and accidently swigged from a bottle of Tippex. I woke this morning with a huge correction.

I was at work yesterday when a female colleague asked me what my ring tone was. I said "light brown like everyone else's". These women are certainly more forward these days.

The wife suggested I get myself one of those p*nis enlargers ... so I did .... she's 21 and her name's Lucy.

Went to the pub with my girlfriend last night. Locals were shouting paedo and other names at me just because my girlfriend is 21 and I'm 50. It completely spoilt our 10th anniversary