Good Moaning Folks,
Where would we be without Phil's daily groaners and delightful pin-up pics? ~ Probably discharged from our respective lunatic asylums!!
Glorious sunshine yet again, so enjoy it while you can.
Charlotte still recovering in hospital, and we're keeping everything crossed that she is able to walk OK again very soon.
BE GOOOOOOOOD!
Good Morning on ANOTHER warm and sunny day,,,my plants were looking decidedly limp last night before I unleashed my hose and had a long sprinkle!
Packing a lunch and heading over the Yorkshire moors today for some scenic splendor and to say Hi to George's ex girlfriends that frequent same moors,
Enjoy the sunshine,
Cheers,
The following are all replies that British women have put on Child Support Agency forms in the section for listing father's details.
These are genuine excerpts from the forms:
01. Regarding the identity of the father of my twins; child A was fathered by Jim Munson. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of child B, but I believe that he was conceived on the same night.
02. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my child as I was being sick out of a window when taken unexpectedly from behind. I can provide you with a list of names of men that I think were at the party if this helps.
03. I do not know the name of the father of my little girl. She was conceived at a party at 36 Grosvenor Avenue where I had unprotected sex with a man I met that night. I do remember that the sex was so good that I fainted. If you do manage to track down the father can you send me his phone number? Thanks.
04. I don't know the identity of the father of my daughter. He drives a BMW that now has a hole made by my stiletto in one of the door panels. Perhaps you can contact BMW service stations in this area and see if he's had it replaced.
05. I have never had sex with a man. I am awaiting a letter
from the Pope confirming that my son's conception was immaculate and that he is Christ risen again.
06. I cannot tell you the name of child A's dad as he informs
me that to do so would blow his cover and that would have cataclysmic implications for the British economy. I am torn between doing right by you and right by the country. Please advise.
07. I do not know who the father of my child was as all
squaddies look the same to me. I can confirm that he was a Royal Green Jacket.
08. Peter Smith is the father of child A. If you do catch up
with him can you ask him what he did with my AC/DC CDs?
09. From the dates it seems that my daughter was conceived at Euro Disney maybe it really is the Magic Kingdom.
10. So much about that night is a blur. The only thing that I
remember for sure is Delia Smith did a program about eggs earlier in the evening. If I'd have stayed in and watched more TV rather than going to the party at 146 Miller Drive, mine might have remained unfertilized.
11. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my baby;
after all when you eat a can of beans you can't be sure which one made you fart.
Good Morning Hotties!Coo,MORE sun and blue skies,,,I will be getting some rays later but I had a shed delivered yesterday as my old one finally gave up the ghost and the floor fell through(Weight of the home brew I guess)so I will be erecting said shed!,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,I like the clear cut instructions ,,I have "Pre erection",,,,,Erection,,,,Uses,,,,,and after care!
I will be having a "Shed warming"party and advise you all in due course of time and date,,tickets will be reasonably priced and first drink will be free.
Enjoy today's SUN AGAIN!!!
Cheers,
What size? A guy goes into Tesco's to buy condoms.
"What size?" asks the assistant.
"Crikey, I don't know."
"Go see Sophie in aisle 4."
He goes over to see Sophie, who grabs him in the
crotch and yells, "Medium!"
The guy is mortified! He hurries over to pay and
leaves quickly.
Another guy comes in to buy condoms and gets sent to Sophie in aisle 4.
Sophie grabs him and yells, "Large!" The guy struts over to the register, pays and leaves.
A high school kid comes in to buy condoms.
"What size?"
The kid embarrassedly says "I've never done this before. I don't
know what size."
The assistant sends him over to Sophie in aisle 4.
She grabs him and yells "Cleaner required in aisle 4!"
Loved the funnies as usual and needed 'em today.THANK YOU.
Grandaughter Charlotte (3), Callum's twin sister, was having a very tricky spine operation early this morning. It lasted far longer than expected -then there were complications when she got back on the ward so she was taken back to theatre for a second procedure.
However, I'm assured that she is now well on the way to the recovery and the op seems to have been a success.
Have to post you this photo of my hero, 'Rab C' - and you're right, my string vest did play havoc with my tanning attempts earlier this week!
Good Morning sunbeams
No doubt the aroma of charred meat will be filling the air this weekend as the Alpha males treat their families to the yearly ritual barbecue!
I guess "Cuprinol man"will be braving the Jarrow sea fret today in a bid to eradicate the lattice work red crosses on his torso resulting from his nodding off in a deck chair in the sun wearing his string vest!
Enjoy the sunshine and have a great Fridy,
Cheers
Deer Camp
-------------------------
The guys were all at a deer camp. No one wanted to room with Bob, because he snored so badly.
They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him
the whole time, so they voted to take turns. The first guy slept with Bob and comes to breakfast the next
morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot.
They said, 'Man, what happened to you?
He said, 'Bob snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him
all night. '
The next night it was a different guy's turn. In the morning, same thing - hair all
standing up, eyes all bloodshot. They said, 'Man, what happened to you? You look awful!'
He said, 'Man, that Bob shakes the roof
with his snoring. I watched him all night .'
The third night was Pete's turn. Pete was a big burly
ex-Navy man; a man's man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright eyed and bushy
tailed. ' Good morning,' he said.
They couldn't believe it!
They said, 'Man, what happened?'
He said, 'Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Bob
into bed, patted him on the butt, and kissed him good night.
Bob sat up and watched me all night.'
LOL love the funny Phil! Thinking of a 'Topless George' oooooo arrrrrrr hehe !! Have a great day peeps
Jim died......
His will provided £40,000 for an elaborate funeral.
As the last guests departed the affair, his wife Sharon turned to her oldest and dearest friend. 'Well, I'm sure
Jim would be pleased,' she said.
'I'm sure you're right,' replied Brenda, who lowered her voice and leaned in close.
'How much did this really cost?'
'All of it,' said Sharon. 'Forty thousand.'
'No!' Brenda exclaimed. 'I mean, it was very nice, but £40,000?'
Sharon answered, 'The funeral was £6,500. I donated £500 to church. The whiskey, wine and snacks were another £500. The rest went for the Memorial Stone.'
Brenda computed quickly. '£32,500 for a Memorial Stone? How big is it?'
Good Morning Chaps and Chapesses,,,Nice to see that "Hump day"can still draw Samantha away from her MOB duties
to pop in and say hello.
...July fast approaching now and I'm sure Paul will be keeping his head WELL down(Behave George!!)!!LOL
Supposed to be warming up here today and for the next few days,so hope George can take of his Kaftan and finish off his "half tan"LOL
Have a good day Folks,
Cheers.
| Little Johnny & Fascinate. | |
| Miss asked the kids to compose a sentence containing the word 'fascinate.' Diana put up her hand and offered. "We went to the zoo last Sunday and it was fascinating to see all the different animals." The teacher said. "That was very good Diana, but fascinate is the word I'm looking for, not fascinating." Sally tried with. When we were on holiday, we went to Madame Tussuad's and we were fascinated by the waxworks looking so real. Miss told her that it was also a very good try, but the word required was fascinate, not fascinated. The kids all sat there thinking hard and eventually, little Johnny raised his hand. At first, the teacher pretended not to notice, she'd been burned by him on more than one occasion. Little Johnny however, was very persistent, shouting out. "Miss, Miss!" The teacher could not see how he could destroy, or even do damage to the word fascinate, so, with mounting confidence, said. "Go ahead Johnny." Triumphantly, Johnny came up with. "My Aunt Brenda, has a red sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so f***in'' big, she can only fasteneight." Miss put her head in her hands and cried.  |
Hapyy Hump Day me darlins :~)
Hope all is well whatever you are doing! mm wonders if Phil can focus after receiving that bottle of malt? hic psst. hope the door bell is loud cos if you miss the boots delivery you will be getting 'the boot' from Hilary! And you KNOW you cant cope without your gloss! lol x
Morning Bollockeers on a dull grey Hump day start,
..
Pussy on the left about sums up my apathy today, as I have been given my orders to "Stay in for a delivery!",,,,Hilary awaiting some vital online supplies from Boots(Probably some nail, gloss or is that mine??)
Well I was given a bottle of single malt last night by a neighbour who tours the Scottish distilleries every year,for feeding his Koi carp while he was away,,,so all is not lost today!LOL
Hope your Hump day is moderately more exciting than mine!
Cheers(Please feel free to graon along with the following!!)
Lone Ranger The Lone Ranger is ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian War Party.
The Indian Chief proclaims, "So, YOU are the great Lone Ranger" ...
"In honor of the Harvest Festival, YOU will be executed in three days."
"Before I kill you, I grant you three requests"
"What is your FIRST request ???'
The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse. "
The Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger who whispers in Silver's ear, and the horse gallops away.
Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blonde woman on his back.
As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.
The next morning the Indian Chief admits
he's impressed. "You have a very fine and loyal horse",
"But I will still kill you in two days."
"What is your SECOND request ???"
The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse.
Silver is brought to him, and he again whispers in the horse's ear.
As before, Silver takes off and disappears over the horizon.
Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns, this time with a voluptuous brunette, more attractive than the blonde. She enters the Lone Rangers tent and spends the night.
The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed.
"You are indeed a man of many talents,"
"But I will still kill you tomorrow."
"What is your LAST request ???"
The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse, ..... alone."
The Chief is curious, but he agrees, and Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger's tent.
Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, Looks him square in the eye and says,
Listen Very Carefully !!!!
FOR... THE... LAST... TIME...
I SAID ....
"BRING POSSE
Loved those jokes, Phil, and don't even mind the old 'sour grapes' touch either, LMAO
Grant, have WELL DESERVED break now. You really do work too hard at your advanced age! It's a good thing your Sandra is so much younger and able to carry you along, lol. Now put your feet up and RELAX mate.
Samantha? We know what chaos a daughter's wedding involves, so don't worry about not posting as much. Just KEEP YA HAIR ON!
Phil, I know you and Hilary are off to Amsterdam tomorrow, so don't forget ~ bring me back a barrow-load of 'Happy Baccy' PLEASE???
To everyone else, I hope you're enjoying sunshine and taking it a little easier these days.
BE GOOOOOD!
LOL Sloping off down to York today now the roads are "unclogged"after yesterday's caravan throng have all returned to their drives.
Samantha emailed me and ask me to pass on a big sloppy kiss for ya all and
sends here lovel!!,,She is up to her eyes in MOB duties and has just found out she is to be a Grandma!!Yayyyyyyyyyyyy xxx
Have a good week,
From Samatha>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Cheers
| Good Samaritan | |
| A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push. 'Not a chance,' says the husband, 'it is 3:00 in the morning!' He slams the door and returns to bed. 'Who was that?' asked his wife. 'Just some piss artist asking for a push,' he answers. 'Did you help him?' she asks. 'No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain out there!' 'Well, you have a short memory,' says his wife. 'Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!' The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain. He calls out into the dark, 'Hello, are you still there?' 'Yes,' comes back the answer. 'Do you still need a push?' calls out the husband. 'Yes, please!' comes the reply from the dark. 'Where are you?' asks the husband. 'I'm over here on the swing,' |
