Rules of the Scrum

Avoid injury by following these simple instructions

Hillbilly Blues

Three Hillbillies are sitting on a porch shootin' the breeze.

1st Hillbilly says: "My wife sure is stupid!...She bought an air conditioner."

2nd Hillbilly says: "Why is that stupid?"

1st Hillbilly says: "We ain't got no 'lectricity!"

2nd Hillbilly says: "That's nothin'! My wife is so stupid, she bought one of them new fangled warshin' machines!"

1st Hillbilly says: "Why is that so stupid?"

2nd Hillbilly says: "'cause we ain't got no plummin'!"

3rd Hillbilly says: "That ain't nuthin'! My wife is dumber than both yer wifes put together! I was going through her purse the other day
lookin' fer some change, and I found 6 condoms in thar."

1st and 2nd Hillbillies chorus: "Well, what's so dumb about that?"

3rd Hillbilly says: "She ain't got no dick!

It's not what you know, but HOW you tell it, that gets results

Couldn't resist this one:

George Phillips, an elderly man, from Meridian, Mississippi, was going up to bed, when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn off the light but saw that there were people in the shed stealing his things.

He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?"

He said "No, but some people are breaking into my garden shed and stealing from me."

Then the police dispatcher said "All patrols are busy. You should lock your doors and an officer will be along when one is available."

George said, "Okay." He hung up the phone …and counted to 30.

Then he phoned the police again.

"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them anymore because I just shot them…" and he hung up.

Within three and a half minutes, six Police Cars, a SWAT Team, a Helicopter, an Ambulance, a Paramedic-van and two Fire Trucks showed up at the Phillips' residence ---and caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the Policemen said to George with some irritation, "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"

George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!" 

Painting the Church

Painting the Church

There was a Scottish painter named Smokey Macgregor who was very interested in making a penny where he could, so he often thinned down his paint to make it go a wee bit further.

As it happened, he got away with this for some time, but eventually the Baptist Church decided to do a big restoration job on the outside of one of their biggest buildings..

Smokey put in a bid, and, because his price was so low, he got the job.

So he set about erecting the scaffolding and setting up the planks, and buying the paint and, yes, I am sorry to say, thinning it down with turpentine..

Well, Smokey was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly completed, when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder, the sky opened, and the rain poured down washing the thinned paint from all over the church and knocking Smokey clear off the scaffold to land on the lawn among the gravestones, surrounded by telltale puddles of the thinned and useless paint..

Smokey was no fool. He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty, so he got down on his knees and cried:

"Oh, God, Oh God, forgive me; what should I do?"

And from the thunder, a mighty voice spoke...

(you're going to love this)

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"Repaint!
Repaint!
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and
thin no more

The first ever Blonde Guy joke?

An Irishman, a Mexican and a blonde guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.

As they started to eat their lunch the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building."

The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too."

The blonde guy opened his lunch and said, "Polony again! If I get a polony sandwich one more time, I'm jumping as well."

The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage, and jumped to his death.

The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burritos, and jumped too.

The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the polony and jumped to his death as well.

At their joint funeral, the Irishman's wife wept copiously. She said, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I would never have given it to him again!"

The Mexican's wife was also weeping loudly, and said through her tears, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much."

Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife. The blonde's wife said,

"Don't look at me. He makes his own lunch".

The Chocolate Age Calculator

Morning folks.  Echoing Phil's message -- have a great May Day and Bank Holiday weekend (which I'll be away for).  Here's a little puzzle for you chocaholics:

This is  WILD!

Don't tell me your age; you probably would tell a falsehood anyway   - but the Hershey Man will know  YOUR AGE BY CHOCOLATE  MATH!

DON'T CHEAT BY  SCROLLING DOWN FIRST!
It takes less than a minute to work  this out as you read ..
Be sure you don't read the bottom  until you've worked it out!
This is not one of those waste  of time things, it's fun.  Really ...

1. First of all, pick  the number of times a week that you would like to have  chocolate (more than once but less than  10)

2. Multiply this number by 2 (just to  be bold)

3.. Add  5

4. Multiply it by 50 -- I'll wait  while you get the calculator

5. If you  have already had your birthday this year add 1759 ...
If  you haven't, add 1758..

6. Now subtract  the four digit year that you were  born.

You should have a three digit  number

The first digit  of this was your original number
(i.e., how many times you  want to have chocolate each  week).

The next two  numbers are

YOUR AGE! (Oh YES, it is!!!!!)

THIS IS THE ONLY  YEAR (2009) IT WILL EVER WORK, SO SPREAD IT AROUND WHILE IT  LASTS.