Frosty start.

Good Morning/Evening Tuesday Peeps,,,Nice frosty clear start to the day here,,,,,,

The tooth fairy,,(Aka mt dentist)worked his magic on my bust front tooth and has restored my beauty(Yeah ok!!!!!!)once more and has advised me (quite irrationally I though) NOT to open beer bottles with my teeth or crack nuts any more,

Thank you for you good wishes and your remarks re my "Nut cracking"abilities!!LOL

Have a great day,

Cheers

 

A Public school teacher was arrested last night at John F. Kennedy International Airport as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a compass, a slide-rule and a calculator.

 At a morning press conference, the Attorney General said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-Gebra movement. He did not identify the man, who has been charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.  "Al-Gebra is a problem for us," the Attorney General said.  "They derive solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in search of absolute values.  They use secret code names like 'X' and 'Y' and refer to themselves as 'unknowns', but we have determined that they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, "There are 3 sides to every triangle." When asked to comment on the arrest, President Obama said, "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, he would have given us more fingers and toes." White House aides told reporters they could not recall a more intelligent or profound statement by the President.  It is believed that the Nobel Prize for Physics will follow.

What a grey day.

Good Morning/Evening  Peeps,,Hope you all had a cracking weekend and George is feeling brighter today?,grey and drizzly start to the week here,which seems about right for a Monday.

Chomping on a hazelnut last night I bust one of my front teeth and have a definite "Goofy"look (Shaddup George)today!,,,Dentist for me this afta to repair the damage.

Hope your own day is slightly more fun,

Cheers..--------------

Sent to me by a like minded loon in the US......

Have you ever wondered who first uttered the phrase 'You Gotta Be Shittin' Me'? ...............................

Well, it just so happens to have originated through the Father of Our Country, way back when George Washington was crossing the Delaware River with his troops. There were 33 (remember this number) in Washington's boat. It was extremely dark and storming furiously and the water was tossing them about. Finally,  Washington  grabbed Corporal Peters (remember this name) and stationed him at the front of the boat with a lantern.  He ordered him to keep swinging it, so they could see where they were heading. Corporal Peters, through driving rain and cold, continued  swinging the lantern back and forth, back and forth. Then a big gust of wind and a wave hit and threw Corporal Peters and his lantern into the  Delaware . Washington and His troops searched for nearly an hour trying to find Corporal  Peters, but to no avail. All of them felt terrible, for the Corporal had been one of their favorites. Sometime later,  Washington  and his troops landed on the other side, wet and totally exhausted . He rallied the troops and told them that they must go on. Another hour later, one of his men said, 'General, I see lights ahead.' They trudged toward the lights and came upon a huge house. What they didn't know was that this was a house of Ill Repute, hidden in the forest to serve all who came. General Washington pounded on the door, his men crowding around him. The door swung open, and much to his surprise stood a beautiful woman. A huge smile came across her face, to see so many men standing there. Washington  was the first to speak, 'Madam, I am General George Washington and these are my men. We are tired , wet, exhausted , and desperately need warmth and comfort.' Again, the Madam looked at all the men standing there, and with a broad smile on her face, said, 'Well, General, you have come to the right place. We can surely give you warmth and comfort. How many men do you have?' Washington  replied , 'Well, Madam, there are 32 of us without Peters.' And the Madam said, 'You gotta be shittin me.'

 

Seasonal Joke!

George, hope you feel better soon.

Phil, nice and sunny here to but did you mean you may be turning the central heating up to 20 degrees? I think that may be a step to far so I am not showing your posting to Kath!! She seams happy to carry on wearing six jumpers. 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

On a bitterly cold winters morning a husband and wife were listening to the radio during breakfast.
They heard the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the Snowplows can get through.
So the good wife went out and moved her car.

A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer said, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through".
The good wife went out and moved her car again.

The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today.  You must park...." 
Then the electric power went out.  The good wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face she said, "I don't know what to do.  Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snowplows can get through?"

Then with the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married to blonds exhibit, the husband replied,  "Why don't you just leave the bloody car in the garage this time"?

 

Sunday sun!

Good Morning/Evening Sunday Peeps,Coo I see da sun!!!,,blue sky too,,turn the heat up by about 20c and it would be very pleasant indeed.

Poor George has been stricken by the Jarrow lurgy and isn't feeling too well,,........................speedy recovery Matey, I gotta have someone to take the p**s out of!

Not feeling too bright myself this morning, but my state is purely self inflicted after a late night with Gordon and Sch;you know who.

Enjoy you day,

Cheers

Old Soldier

a Chelsea Pensioner was sitting on a bench in the park in London.

A young man walked up to the bench and sat down. He had spiked hair that was all different colors -- green, red, orange, blue and yellow.

The old soldier just stared!!

The young man said. "What's the matter, old timer? Never done anything wild in your life?"

The old soldier replied, "Got drunk once and had sex with a parrot. I was just wondering if you were my son."

 

Saturday Flood?

Good Morning?Evening Saturday Peeps,Just back from taking her Ladyship to work and we now have a flood alert due to the melting snow in the hills funneling through in the village and the downpour of rain.

The river does look swollen(Shaddup George)and the ducks are nowhere to be seen,,,but ,no doubt we will be short of water come Summer!!!(that's when the yellow ball appears in the sky and there are NO icicles!...hopefully?)

Enjoy your weekend,

Cheers

Before you ask NO this wasn't me!!!,,,an old one but worth a rerun.....

A Lady who loved baked beans,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

One day I met a sweet gentleman and fell in love.  When it became apparent that we would marry, I made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans.

Some months later, on my birthday, my car broke down on the way home  from work.  Since I lived in the countryside I called my husband and told him that  I would be late because I had to walk home.  On my way, I passed by a small diner and the odour of baked beans was  more than I could stand. With miles to walk, I figured that I would walk off any ill effects by the time I reached home, so I stopped at the diner and before I knew  it, I had consumed three large orders of baked beans. All the way home, I made sure that I released all the gas.

Upon my arrival, my husband seemed excited to see! me and exclaimed delightedly: 'Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight.'

He then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table. I took a seat and just as he was about to remove my blindfold, the  telephone rang.  He made me promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned and  went to answer the call.

The baked beans I had consumed were still affecting me and the pressure was becoming most unbearable, so while my husband was out of the room I seized the opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and let one go. It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running  over a skunk in front of a pulpwood mill.  I took my napkin from my lap and fanned the air around me vigorously.

Then, shifting to the other cheek, I ripped off three more.  The stink was worse than cooked cabbage.

Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the conversation in the other room, I went on like this for another few minutes.

The pleasure was indescribable.  When eventually the telephone farewells signalled the end of my freedom,  I quickly fanned the air a few more times with my napkin, placed it on  my lap and folded my hands back on it feeling very relieved and pleased  with myself.

My face must have been the picture of innocence when my husband returned, apologizing for taking so long.  He asked me if I had peeked through the blindfold, and I assured him I had not.

At this point, he removed the blindfold, and twelve dinner guests  seated around the table chorused: 'Happy Birthday!'

I fainted!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

 

 

Fridaaaaaaaaaay...

Good Morning/Evening Friday Peeps(seemed a long time coming!!),,,Grey start here with foggy patches,,,,still it ain't snowing!!

Hilary off today and her shopping list is a mile long after my enforced "Off road"snowed in period!,,I think we have to visit EVERY supermarket chain in the UK to cross off every item she needs to replenish our depleted stocks,

Hope your day is is slightly more bearable,,,,Have a good un'!

Cheers

Hers & His diaries ........

Her Diary :-

He was a bit quiet and withdrawn this evening, even when we went to bed he said nothing. I cuddled up to him and stoked his hair, after a while we made love before drifting off to sleep.

His Diary :-

F**king gutted, England lost, got a shag though.

And now we have freezing *odding fog !

Do you ever wonder why you never see dead penguins on the ice in
Antarctica ? 

Ever wonder where they go?  Wonder no more. 

It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic bird which lives
an extremely ordered and complex life. 

The penguins have a very strong community bond.  They are very committed
to their family and will mate for life. 

They also maintain a form of compassionate contact with their offspring
throughout its life. 

If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family
and social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice, using their
vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird
to be rolled into and buried.

The male penguins then gather in a circle around the freshly dug grave and
sing....

.."freeze a jolly good fellow"

Then they kick him in the ice hole.